Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
my being single is dangerous.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
