you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
