There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize