Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
