Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
