It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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