i just sent this text using only my big toe
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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