Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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