Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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