just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Randomize
