I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
