She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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