In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
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