Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
