I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
