Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
