I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
