3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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