she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize