mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
