We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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