Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I looked at my own cervix.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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