Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
