Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
