new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
