he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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