The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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