some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
