oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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