Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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