If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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