I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
