Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
