no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
