the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
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