so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
