You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
ok first of all what the fuck
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
