Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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