I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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