i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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