i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
