I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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