last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
