from now on my penis is your penis
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
