I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
