I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
