im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I just found a bag of teeth...
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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