well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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