New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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