It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
