cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
