who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I want to walk on stilts...naked
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
