Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
