Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
3 2 1 whiskey
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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