The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
