i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
