TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
