She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Randomize
