anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
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