at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
