can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
ttyl tear gas
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
