im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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